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Fortsatt Foreldre – GODT NOK samarbeid etter samlivsbrudd
We are always parents – Cooperating WELL ENOUGH after relationship disruption
By Guro Hansen Helskog
Modum Bad- Family Relations Centre
Norway
The background for the establishment creation of the programme Fortsatt Foreldre – GODT NOK samarbeid etter samlivsbrudd (We are always parents – Cooperating WELL ENOUGH after relationship disruption), is the insight that an increasing number of children and teenagers experience separation and divorce between their parents. Following this development is an increasing number of conflicts after the break up. A lot of children develop psychological problems as a cause of the way their parents deal with the divorce situation. The most important predictor for the problem development of children, is the amount of conflict between parents. When the parents are able to cooperate constructively about the children, the children have about the same risk for problem development as other children. But if the parents have ongoing and destructive conflicts, the children are at risk of suffering. To help reduce the amount of conflict between the parents is therefore one of the main aims of Fortsatt Foreldre (Continued parenthood). This means giving the parents a language to help them understand their situation, their actions and way of communicating, both with their children and with their ex-partner. It also implies giving the parents help to reconcile with the situation and with life as it is and has turned out. This is necessary in order to see the child in an appropriate way. To make your self a victim, or to become very self defending, to feel great shame or great guilt, can make the parents unable to see the children in a realistic and good manner. To be able to lay down the conflict, and to move in direction of reconciliation and inner freedom, is important when you look for the best of the children. Parents go separately to these courses, in order to work with themselves and the way they relate in the situation. The thought is that if one person changes in a relationship, the entire interaction will change, and thereby also the way the other person relate back. These are the themes of the programme:
Theme 1: The process of separation
To understand the interaction and the parental cooperation you and your has today, it can be important to understand how the process of separation proceeded, both for your self and your ex-partner. In this part of the course we address normal reactions both for the person leaving and the person being left, and normal phases in a process of separation- and grief.
Theme 2: Interaction, conflict and communication
In the second part of the course you are given the opportunity to understand different interactional patterns between separated parents. We address how fear and despair can be important forces in conflicts, and we go through typical conflict themes. How is it possible to break patterns of action that leads nowhere? The idea is that conscience of how we interact and communicate, is of importance when we are to create a cooperative relationship between parents that functions WELL ENOUGH.
Theme 3: To see the life situation of the children
In the third part of the course we move our eyes towards the life situation of the children. How does the child possibly experience his or her life and situation? How can the child be freed from standing in between the parents in their conflict? We address children´s emotional reactions on the separation between the parents, and we go through different strategies that the child can use in order to master their life situation. We also talk about the need children have for being seen, heard and understood, and we talk about empathy and empathetic communication with children.
Theme 4: Parental cooperation
In the fourth theme we problematize the qualities of parental cooperation that functions WELL ENOUGH. This kind of parental cooperation, we say, is polite, and the parents are able to interact as colleagues with a common task. We also talk about different ways of organizing the life of the children, and making appointments about it.
Theme 5: The road ahead
The last theme aims at picking up the threads from the previous four themes, in order to think forward. What is wise to do in your situation now, considering that the consequenses should be the best, for yourself, your ex-partner and your children in the future? Is it possible to create a movement in direction of forgiveness and/or reconciliation, in order to let the children have space and room? And is it possible, in the future, to move towards reconciliation and inner freedom?
Fortsatt Foreldre consists of:
- The book Fortsatt foreldre – GODT nok samarbeid etter samlivsbrudd, written by Guro Hansen Helskog and Kristin Tafjord Lærum. The texts in the book are based on interviews with ten of Scandinavia´s most well renowned scholars and practitioners in the field of family life, divorce and parenthood: Gry Stålsett, Kari Moxnes, Jesper Juul, Katrin Koch, Grethe Nordhelle, Frode Thuen, Lisbeth Brudal, Odd Arne Tjersland, Catharina Boland and Ingunn Størksen. Helle Myrvik has written a beautiful prologue.
- Courses for parents (10 hours)
- Courses for practitioners (2 days)
- Certification courses for practitioners who wants to lead courses for parents (3 days)
Within the following year we will have produced a movie that goes through all the themes of a Fortsatt Foreldre course, in order for people to sit at home going through the program.
Even though the creation of peace in the world through an inner transformation of individuals is difficult, it is the only way. Peace must first be developed within the individual. And I believe that love, empathy and unselfishness is the fundamental buildingstone for peace. As soon as this is developed within the individual, he or she is capable of creating an atmosphere of peace and harmony. This atmosphere can be spread from the individual to his or her family, from the family to society, and then to the whole world.
Dalai Lama
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Utgangspunktet for Fortsatt Foreldre er erkjennelsen av at noen barn blir stående mellom foreldrene i deres konflikt. Dette vet vi kan være belastende for de barna som opplever det.
Vårt håp er at Fortsatt Foreldre-kurs skal gi hjelp til de voksne på en måte som gjør at barn kan få en friere relasjon til begge foreldrene sine. Dette formålet tror vi best kan realiseres ved at de voksne arbeider for å få innsikt forståelse som kan hjelpe seg til:
- å håndtere sine egne følelsesmessige prosesser på en slik måte at de kan makte å forsone seg med situasjonen sin, og ta et reelt ansvar for seg selv og barna videre i livet
- å se at den andre forelderen til barna kan være en god nok forelder selv om samlivsrelasjonen ikke var god
- å hjelpe dem til å skille mellom samlivs- og ekspartnerrelasjonen og relasjonen mellom foreldre og barn
- å bli mer bevisst sine væremåter og kommunikasjonsformer, både overfor ekspartner og barn
- å bearbeide, forsone seg med og lære av det som har vært, og å løfte blikket framover mot det livet de ønsker skal komme
Dette handler blant annet om å se på seg selv som et myndig og voksent menneske som er i stand til å ta ansvar for sitt eget liv, og som – for å gjøre det – må forsone seg med at livet har blitt som det har blitt. Det er det vi håper kunne bidra i retning av med Fortsatt Foreldre. Det er kanskje ved å erkjenne sin egen smerte og etter hvert også se hvordan man selv har påvirket og blitt påvirket av andre, at man kan bli et klokere menneske. Klokskap hører det levde livet til, og dannes ved at vi står inne for det livet vi har levd – på godt og vondt. Det viktige for barn er ikke først og fremst hvordan familiene deres er organisert, men at det er tilstrekkelig ro og harmoni rundt dem der de er. Det gjelder uavhengig av om barna flytter mellom to forskjellige hjem eller ikke.
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Phone: 0047 – 32 74 94 00
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© The European Network on Shared Parenthood (2009)
